Choosing Awesome

Audio recording and upload >>

My inner thoughts are a rickety see-saw that sometimes make it hard to find my footing and walk through life. Either I am insecure and constantly critical, or I feel that I am too confident and possibly coming off as superior. Without a balance, sometimes it’s hard to see which side I am going to land on.

As a teacher, I am constantly speaking in front of 100+ students a day. Trained in high school theater, I am not afraid of putting myself out there or addressing a crowd. However, being the reflective person that I am, I tend to overanalyze events, making me feel insecure.

When I was in my first year of teaching as a member of the Alumni Volunteer Corps at the University of Detroit Jesuit High School and Academy, part of my salary was paid in food. We got five dollars a day for lunch, which was usually spent on chicken tenders and fries. Twice a week, the Mothers Club brought us dinner, usually some type of pasta or cheesy dish and always a luxurious dessert. Needless to say, when getting paid in food, one tends to put on a little bit of weight. It was that May of 2011 when I finally noticed mine. Now, it wasn’t some secret, private bathroom scale that opened my eyes to this enlarging circumference. Instead, it was a student named Martin who came up in the cafeteria and rubbed my belly, talking about cookies. I was embarrassed and furious, but he wasn’t wrong.

In college teaching programs, professors tell you that students notice everything. And they are right! If students noticed I had gained a belly, then I’m sure they notice much more. This is a frightening thought to someone who puts themselves out there every day in front of teenagers. Especially to someone like me who over thinks things as I do.

Now, when I teach, questions constantly run through my mind. Am I going too slow? Am I talking too fast? Is this lesson boring? Why does that student sit and look like he is too cool for me? He probably is too cool for me. How’s my weight? Should I suck in my gut while teaching? (I’ve done that.) Do they notice my new pimple? Have I already worn this tie this week? Am I an outfit repeater? What should I do with my hands while I talk? I once made the mistake of looking up myself on ratemyteachers.com to find that one student thinks I am too flamboyant because of my hands. What is he really getting at by calling me flamboyant? And I have to record this blog post. I hate my voice. What if I sound stupid?

When you constantly put yourself out there. There is a tendency to feel raw and exposed. But that is no reason to hide.

I am a pretty confident guy, too. I have accomplished a lot in my 27 years so far: graduated from the University of Michigan, got a teaching job right out of college, completed my Master’s degree and earned a state certification as a reading specialist, wrote and published an award-winning novel. I direct school plays, put out amazing student literary magazines, coach a nationally competitive forensics team, and this summer I became president of the Detroit Catholic Forensic League. I have presented at state and nation-wide teacher conferences multiple times, and I have been selected to participate in plenty of leadership programs in Jesuit education taking me from Chicago to Europe. However, when looking at this list, I feel too cocky for even typing it. Am I bragging too much? Should I not mention some of these things? Even now, I know I left some things out on purpose. I don’t want to come off like I’m full of myself, so sometimes I just keep my successes to myself.

Why is there no balance between either feeling insecure or unjustly superior? I may not be able to find the perfect ratio, but after reflecting on this topic, I do know there is one thing I believe. When deciding to focus on the negative or the positive, I choose the side of being awesome. No matter how down and out things get or how critical of myself I can be, I going to recall that I am an awesome person. We are all awesome, so why waste time focusing on the negative? That’s not how I’m going to choose to spend my time.

I recorded this entry using Vocaroo. You can also hear the recording here.